You see I am an addict pure and simple. For the past 20 years I have used one drug or another, and sometimes anything else to change the way I feel. My use of drugs and alcohol went up and down over the years, but the fact is I have always used.

For years this hadn't been a problem for me and I enjoyed drugs, they had been fun. They allowed me to become the person I wanted to be. They had given me confidence and made me popular, or so I had thought. I enjoyed the use of nearly all popular drugs, but in the end it was cannabis and alcohol that brought me to my knees.

That's right not crack cocaine or heroin, the big nasties of the drug world, but probably the two most commonly used mood altering substances. One that is legal, and one that a lot of people think should be made legal. Over the last 5 years since starting my dream job I had been slowly drinking more and more every night, until all I wanted was a drink. That's when my wife left me and I realised how big a problem I had. I knew if I carried on there would be no way out and the downward spiral would just get worse. That was when I was honest with myself for the first time in years, and I admitted I had a problem.

The next morning I walked into the office of my boss and told him what was happening for me. It was the first time I had told someone that I thought I was an alcoholic and that I needed help. His reaction was to immediately pick up the phone to Racing Welfare. Within the hour I was sat at home pouring my heart out to Reverend Graham Locking. I admitted my problems with drink and drugs, and he reassured me that there was help and what I could do next to get it.

The following day I went into Racing Welfare's office to see the Addiction Support Advisor Joe Carter. He helped me feel that I wasn't alone, and that there could be a way out for me, another way of living. I left the building with hope, real hope that I could rebuild my life. I knew my wife had gone and was not coming back, but I had to change or I was going to die an alcoholic addict.

I followed one of Joe's suggestions and started to explore 12-step anonymous groups. I remember walking into my first meeting, I was late and not sure if I was in the right place. But the fear of struggling with addiction alone was far worse than walking into a room of strangers. Straight away I was made to feel at home, and I soon realised that this was where I needed to be. At the beginning of my recovery things were improving, but I was still finding life a struggle...but I just kept going back to the 12-step meetings.

In addition to the self-help groups, another option I looked at with Joe was one to one counselling at Focus12, a nearby addiction treatment service. The costs were supported by Racing Welfare, and this additional counselling was the leg up that made the difference during those early days and weeks. The support provided by Racing Welfare, particularly through Joe and my one to one counsellor Sam, has helped me to change my life in a way I did not think could be possible.

I became clean and sober in the spring of 2008. Today I continue to attend regular 12-step meetings but I no longer feel the need to use either drugs or alcohol. I have found another way to live and I have embraced it. I may be divorced now, but I have a stronger relationship with my daughters than was ever possible before.

I have started to give back by supporting local 12-step meetings and those who attend them, as I was helped when I first finding recovery. 'Thanks to the support I have discovered through Racing Welfare, I am now living my life for the first time in 20 years.'

Somewhere along the line this changed, I didn't even notice. My family were telling me I was drinking too much, I just thought they were trying to control me, for goodness sake I had worked hard all my life providing them all with the luxuries they enjoyed now it was my turn. If they didn't like it...tough luck!

But slowly I was waking up needing a drink, my every thought was where I would buy the next bottle. Socialising was now not an option, much easier to stay in doors. I persuaded myself I was OK, I managed to go to work daily. Then some of those days I would end up crying about the struggle my life had become, but still never admitting to anyone or myself I had a problem. I had sick leave for depression and as I never told the doctor the truth I ended up taking an overdose of anti depressants and valium. Still no turning point for me. I wasn't an alcoholic; I could stop drinking for a couple of months at a time. I certainly stopped after the overdose, must have been 2 months.

The next step was to be caught drink driving. Loosing my licence was horrific, I'd never been in trouble with the police in my life. The arresting Officer was so kind to me and encouraged me to get help. I stopped drinking for another 2 months, but then Christmas and New Year arrived; surely it wouldn't hurt to celebrate!

My boss had spoken to me a few times to see if I needed to take time off on sick leave as I was so depressed all the time, my reply was always, 'no thank you I'm fine'. He did persevere though asking me on several occasions if there was anything the Company could do to help. Always the same reply; 'I'm fine'.

I quickly returned to hiding indoors until, I could stand it no longer. The company had a helpline to ring in times of trouble but I was so terrified of losing my job. I plucked up the courage to speak to my bosses PA, she took me home.

Then the company rallied round and I got a visit from a Racing Welfare Officer, she helped me look at the options of treatment for my drinking. I had an assessment at Focus12 a nearby addiction treatment centre, and with my bosses full support and encouragement I was offered 12 weeks sick leave in order to go into treatment.

In treatment I was provided with all the tools I needed to stay in recovery, but it was not easy, I needed to look at the issues in my life I had been trying to avoid by drinking. But I was not alone with this, others were doing the same. Over the 12 weeks in treatment I was provided with all the tools I needed to stay in recovery, which included ongoing support through the local network of 12-step self help groups.

I successfully completed treatment at Focus12 with all the help I was offered, and believe me I was ready to take it. Today I thank everyone involved in supporting me from the bottom of my heart.

After I had completed treatment I returned to work for a couple of days in the first week, 3 days the next week, and then back to full time the following week. I was worried about returning but everyone was so kind and supportive.

My life now is a pleasure. My family are proud of me and support me in everything I do. Life's problems have not disappeared but today I can think clearly and deal with them the best I can. I do now socialise with close friends and family, I even shop for new clothes which is something I hadn't done for a long time.

'I have been in recovery now since 2006. I am so grateful to have been given the courage to take the first step onto this bright road, my heart is full of gratitude for everyone involved with my recovery.'

After a meeting with my careers teacher, he recommended that due to my small stature and build I should look into becoming a jockey. On the back of this advice I applied to the Apprentice Jockey School run by the late Johnny Gilbert, and received a two month placement at the school. After the two months I went on to Newmarket where I served an apprenticeship for 4 years. I was given good chances to ride in nice races during this time in my first job. But whilst in Newmarket I was drinking regularly and also began to smoke cannabis recreationally.

I later moved to Ireland where my racing career continued to go well. In Ireland the alcohol consumption was vastly increasing and playing a bigger role in my life. Around this time I also began taking a variety of pills to keep my weight down which affected my health for the worse. After 6 months in Ireland I returned to Newmarket, hoping that I would get away from my alcohol problem. Eventually I gave up riding and became a stable lad.

It was around this time that I discovered speed [amphetamine], which was widely available around Newmarket. I loved it, and it loved me. Speed was what I had been looking for as it gave me more confidence, and I could carry on drinking vast amounts of alcohol for days without sleeping. But the love was soon found to be fleeting. Increased use led to my first bout of depression. Through work and avoidance I managed to struggle on, but my use of speed grew worse still, as did my depression. Over the next few years, with isolation becoming the norm, thoughts of suicide soon entered my head. I carried on this way for a long time until I came across crack cocaine and heroin for the first time.

As time went by my heroin and crack use spiralled out of control, taking my money, friendships and self respect. I ended up on a methadone prescription for three years. I tried moving from place to place to shrug off my addictions, but they followed me everywhere I went. I tried to live back in Manchester with my family but they could not help me, as I could not help myself. Whilst in Manchester and unable to work I began turning to crime to fund my ever worsening habit. Eventually my family became unable to handle me due to my dishonest behaviour and they asked me to leave. So back to Newmarket I went, continuing the ever present pattern of trying to run away from drink and drugs.

A good job in racing was easy to find, but my drug and alcohol habit continued and I landed my first stint in a rehabilitation centre. I left here after just 3 weeks and went on to Sussex. Again I found it quite easy to get a job in the racing industry. In Sussex I continued to drink and use heavily, now repalcing heroin with cocaine. Some people could take or leave alcohol and drugs, and it had become very apparent that the problem was in me. Soon, due to my excessive drug use, I was experiencing real emotional damage and I ended up for the first time in a psychiatric hospital. Over the years that followed the pattern got worse and worse, landing me ten more trips to psychiatric wards where I was labelled with a wide range of mental health illnesses.

But during my last hospital detox I was visited by Racing Welfare. They supported me through this thoroughly horrendous time. They continued to stand by me after I left hospital, providing me with information and access to financial assistance as well as emotional support. They spent a lot of time with me making sure I was OK. Racing Welfare played a large part in getting me into treatment for my addiction at the Providence Project rehabilitation centre in Bournemouth. This support and treatment has helped me to remain completely clean and sober from alcohol and all mind altering substances since May 2008.

Drink and drugs had cost me everything, jobs in the industry I have loved for 30 years, many relationships, the trust of my family, and my self respect to name but a few. As I have sat writing I've been looking down the tunnel of my life. Not so long ago it was barely lit by the slightest flames of what could have been, but now it feels alight with hope, faith and courage.

I would like to take this chance to offer thanks from the deepest depths of my heart to Racing Welfare, especially Joe Carter [Addiction Support Advisor] and Simone Sear [Racing Welfare Officer], to Anne Blackwell [Clinical Alcohol Action Team], to the team at the Providence Projects, and to the Newmarket Community Mental Health Team. There have been many others who helped me along this journey of rediscovery, and I wish there was a way to thank them all.

Change is a part of life, and racing is not the way it once was. 'If you or someone you know is suffering from any form of addiction or other major problem, there is help out there. Don't be afraid to ask for it.'

I grew up in a small village in Suffolk with my parents and my older sister. After a year at primary school my world was turned upside down when my parents decided that we would move to Japan where they had both got teaching jobs. I clearly recall the feelings of loneliness and isolation, always aware of being the 'misfit', a recurring feeling in my life.

We returned to England after three years, and my initial delight at being back was quickly replaced by that familiar gut wrenching feeling of being 'different'. I was made aware that I spoke differently, and I often felt both inferior and resentful for having lived abroad. I just wanted to fit in and be normal. By the time I was about 10 I excelled in nearly all my subjects. This could be an avenue for teasing, and I felt it necessary to 'prove' myself by experimenting with cigarettes, cannabis and alcohol during my early teens.

My first memorable experience of alcohol was at 15. A cocktail of wine, gin, brandy, schnapps and whisky predictably ended in vomiting, nudity, general humiliation and photographic evidence to boot. I didn't repeat such extreme behaviour for a while. I moved on to Sixth Form College in Cambridge to do my A Levels. Once again I felt isolated, different and less-than. I tried various different methods of fitting in: dieting to be like the other girls I perceived to be skinny and beautiful, smoking cannabis, going out to pubs and clubs, and drinking alcohol. All of these measures were futile and I was thoroughly miserable.

I then decided to take a gap year before going on to University. I got back into my life long passion for horses and got a job in a racing stable. The language, attitudes and morals were all in contradiction with those I grew up around. I was teased about being 'stuck up' or 'posh'. Having dabbled in cannabis already, I was pleased to find that a couple of the lads were heavily involved not only in smoking but dealing as well. I was immediately more acceptable once it was known that I enjoyed a joint. I ended up going out with one of the lads for the next four years.

Somewhere along the line I became dependent on mind-altering substances. Cocaine had been my preference for a significant time. I lost my inhibitions, felt a connection with people, I could drink more alcohol with cocaine knowing I wouldn't wake up in an unfamiliar bed, uncertain of how I got there. I even loved the ritual of chopping and lining it up before hoovering it up my nose. Cocaine started to control me, and occupy my thoughts. I became paranoid and began to think that my boyfriend might have bought some and not told me about it. I recall rooting around on the carpet when we'd done it all, hoping I might find some lumps that had been dropped. It was utter insanity.

I wanted to stop or go back to 'recreational' use but I felt so overwhelmed by the desire to use that I would keep giving in. The only escape from this living hell that I could see was to break away from my boyfriend and acquaintances. That is what I did. I enrolled at a University 60 miles away, I wanted to get my life back. I would still go out and drink though, and when I drank, I didn't seem to be able to know when to stop. I drank to oblivion.

My life became a chaotic juggling act between working, studying and drinking. My drinking became secretive. I would drink prior to going out, and also on my own. My relationships with friends and family were fraught. At the point where I was drinking half to a whole bottle of vodka daily, I realised that I couldn't carry on. I was referred to a psychiatrist and was honest about my history of drink and drugs, but he diagnosed depression and said that I wasn't an alcoholic. Armed with a high dose of anti-depressants I was dismissed.

I managed to finish my second year of University, and returned to work. Then I got into a relationship. I was back into a routine of drinking on a daily basis, and at weekends I would spend most of Sunday passed out. Predictably I dropped out of my third year of University, returning to work in a Newmarket racing yard.

There were really two events that turned my life around. Firstly, following a bender, I wrote off my mother's car driving to work, narrowly escaping both injury and loosing my licence. And secondly, another spell of extreme drinking landed me in hospital. I started drinking and didn't stop for four days. My friends found me passed out, surrounded by empty bottles. My boss had called them, understandably concerned about me after I hadn't made it in to work. I was hospitalised for the next week to undergo detoxification. This was my rock bottom, and I was ready to reach out and get help.

I took a chance and rang the number I saw on the tack-room wall every day, to Joe Carter the Addiction Support Advisor based at Racing Welfare. In honesty, I didn't know where else to turn. I felt that the medical profession had let me down, and I didn't have the courage to go to a 12-step anonymous meeting alone. What Joe did was to explain what my options were, and support me through my early recovery. He took me to my first 12-step meetings for alcohol and drugs, and contrary to my beliefs they weren't full off injecting junkies. Having the support of someone familiar and like minded was paramount at this stage.

Getting to a couple of meetings and listening to experiences and taking on suggestions, I realised that the stigmas attached to these fellowships were misconceived and unjust. I felt immediately welcome, and I have continued to attend at least two meetings a week in Newmarket and Bury St Edmunds since I got clean and sober on February 6th 2008. I have been given an opportunity to change the way I live my life, because putting down the drugs is only the start of my recovery. Now I'm trying to deal with some of the reasons why I sought to change my feelings through the use of drink and drugs.

I have huge amounts of gratitude to Racing Welfare for helping me try a better direction. I'm certain that if I hadn't been introduced to the 12-step anonymous groups, that I would have picked up a drink or drug by now and started back in the old cycle I was caught up in for the previous 10 years.

'My life has changed today. I have new friends, and my relationships with just about everyone have improved. I have been given hope. Giving up drink and drugs was undoubtedly one of the most difficult things I've done for myself...but it is also one of the most rewarding. I have faith that if I can do this, then I can achieve the other things that I never believed possible.'

I finally decided to come clean to my employer about my addiction following another binge and subsequent time off work. I fully expected to be sacked, but to my amazement my employer was very supportive. It was agreed that I should attend the self-help meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous on a weekly basis. I cannot stress strongly enough the importance of attending these 12-step meetings.

Having spoken to Joe Carter, the Addiction Support Advisor based at Racing Welfare, I decided to go into treatment. Following an assessment I was offered a place on the day programme at Focus12, an abstinent based treatment centre for substance addiction in Bury St Edmunds. Here over the period of the ten week course I was able to take a good long look at my life, investigate why I drank, the way I often dealt with people and situations, and try out new ways of approaching life. I consider those ten weeks in treatment as the most productive time I have ever spent in my life. Treatment has given me a really strong foundation for my recovery.

Since leaving Focus12 I feel much more even, the emotional ups and downs which I suffered from throughout my life have abated. I feel alive again, emotionally and spiritually. I have found a sense of peace and acceptance for the first time in my life. I have made new friendships in recovery, which are important as we understand and help one another. I continue to go to AA and NA meetings and get continued aftercare support from Focus12 through weekly group therapy sessions.

'For anyone who has a problem with addiction I would urge you to seek help. You will be surprised how much support you will receive. The help is there, just ask for it. It can change your life. It has mine.'